Today I caught the Brian Wilson bio pick “Love and Mercy”.
Armed with a bag of maltesers, I settled in to my cushy cinema chair to enjoy
the wonderful two hour tribute to a life of agony and ecstasy. The world of a
supreme genius – the Beethoven of our times, complete with ear deafness issues
like the original maestro. From the opening beach scenes to the musical finale,
it was a beautiful, and at times incredibly frustrating, experience of the
highs and lows of having a creative mind and a gentle soul.
I am no musical virtuoso, and Brian Wilson has more talent
in his baby finger than I possess in my whole body, but I was struck by some
interesting similarities to myself in the film. I think a truly good film
encourages you to identify with the humanity of the story – and “Love and
Mercy’ certainly did that.
Without giving away too much, Brian Wilsons life was
coloured by some maddeningly controlling and dominating individuals. We’ve all
seen people like them…. The passive aggressive, the narcissists, the
semi-sociopaths who inflict themselves on the gentle souls who - through their own lack of life experience
or gentleness of disposition - do not possess
the skills to ‘fight back’. People who seek peace, beauty and creativity in the
world, railroaded by the self serving, controlling and manipulative. It happens
all the time – on a personal level all the way up to a political one. Look at
third world countries dominated by patriarchal religions for a global example.
Classic left brained people kept subservient in a right
brained world.
But I digress……
Brian Wilson was a man so accustomed to being dominated and
controlled from the earliest days of childhood that he (and his brothers) had
not developed the skills needed to protect himself. To stand his ground when he
needed to. Yet, I wonder if his life had not begun in the pressure cooker of
needing to please the unpleasable narcissistic parent, would he have become
such a prestigious talent? A creative – absolutely….creativity is a gift – but
a complete genius? I guess we may never know…..
Ancient texts oftentimes equate a person’s development to a
refining by fire. There are so many fictional and non fictional stories of
people with tremendous odds against them – victimised, bullied, outcast or
poverty stricken - who become the true successes of our time. The Elvis
Presleys (poverty). The Susan Boyles (bullied and outcast). Marilyn Monroes
(poverty). Vincent Van Goughs (outcast). Joseph son of Jacob’s (victimised).
Stephen Speilbergs (bullied). Kate Winslets (bullied). I wonder if the
struggles experienced in their stories refined the ‘gold’ of who they eventually
became?
So, I mentioned that Brian Wilson’s story ‘struck a chord’
(pardon the pun) with me. Not so long ago I was told that one of the biggest
challenges of my lifetime would be learning to stand up for myself. That my
life would be peppered with controlling people and situations that would force
me to learn this lesson. And they are so right. My life has been riddled with
dominating people and passive aggressives. And I too am like Brian Wilson – in
the past I have not possessed the skills to stand up (when required) to people
that I hoped to please. People that I longed for approval from, approval I
never received, not because I was unworthy, but because they were unable to
give it. A gentle, creative soul who wanted the unhappy controlling people to
both delight in me, and find happiness themselves.
It’s obvious to me now in hindsight that they were never
going to delight in me, or very little else. I drew these people to me – just
like Brian seemed to. In some instances I even chose them myself. Ever noticed
how we crazily seem to go after exactly what we don’t need in our lives?
However, the ‘standing up for myself’ prediction is proving
100% correct. These people are actually teaching self kindness, forcing me to get tough about
unacceptable behaviour. It is proving a pivotal part of this lifetime’s
lessons. Treatment I once tolerated from others, I no longer do. Criticism I
once grieved over, now slides off my ducks back. Frozen silences from passive aggressives
don’t cause me to bat an eyelid in guilt.
I easily walk away from dates who express criticism of the
way I style my hair. I choose to seek advice from friends who want to empower
me and offer an objective view, rather than chasing validation unpleasable
people. I surround myself with people who know how to respect and show
curiosity in my point of view, even while not always agreeing. I am making choices
that reflect my values, overflowing from
my growing self-confidence - I have
stepped out of the shade and into the sunshine of who I really am.
And I have those difficult people to thank.
Sometimes we are rescued, like Brian. Sometimes we are
refined through fire and learn how to rescue ourselves, like me.
There is great power within YOU too, if you find yourself
trapped in the torment of control, exploited by the callous and self obsessed. You
are not alone and you don’t have to stay trapped. Seek support where ever you
can – the authorities, a psychologist or councillor, the salvation army or a
similar organisation group. Whatever your particular circumstance, you need to
know that within you lies all the bravery you need to change your situation. After
all,
“There is no triumph without courage”
And deep down everyone has courage – a grain of it is all
that it takes to turn your life around.
When what they have done to you begins to overwhelm you with
sadness, look at the many people of the world who have overcome and gone onto
greatness because of their refining
by fire experience…..that same greatness exists in you waiting for freedom and
expression.
God only knows what you’d be without them.
